The Birthday Party Invitation....

When a birthday party invitation comes in the mail for most 4 year old children, it’s an exciting thing.  Parents might be happy to have something to do to entertain their child on the weekend, and children wait in anticipation for a chance to run around with their friends, and eat birthday cake.  For our family and probably for most families affected by Autism this isn’t the case. 

When a birthday party invitation comes for Mikey and I show it to him, he has no idea what it means, to him it’s just a piece of paper that he doesn’t know what to do with it.  When I tell him that we are going to a child’s birthday party, there is no response, no smiles, no excitement, because the truth is, he probably has no idea what I am telling him.  It’s similar to telling an infant baby that they are going to a birthday party, they have no understanding of what you are saying, but you tell them anyway in the hopes that one day they will learn and understand.

For me opening up a birthday party invitation is usually a cause for anxiety.  I immediately check to see if the location has a website to see what kind of place it is, and if I think Mikey may possibly find something to do there.  I start to wonder how many children will be there, will it be too loud? Will it be too crowded for Mikey? Will he be able to participate in any of the activities and have fun like the other children? Or will it be too advanced for him and will be he left to watch his dvd’s in the corner with Mommy and Daddy?   

Although we have anxiety about taking Mikey to these kiddie places, we always try our best to go, if we think there is a chance he may find something he likes, we try to give him the opportunity to be exposed to different situations.  We keep our fingers crossed that it will go well, and maybe just maybe he will have fun, and make a connection, or try something new. 

This weekend Mikey had his first birthday party in quite some time (besides his own which was a pool party and he loved!).  We had been invited to a few at the end of last year that we couldn’t make, so we were unsure how Mikey would re act to this one, now that he was older with new skills.  It was the child of dear friends, so we were happy to be there to celebrate and see some of our friends and family.  In the Autism world, Mikey would probably be considered to have some strong social skills since he makes beautiful eye contact when meeting new people, he will smile and wave, and if it’s a blonde woman will probably try to give her a kiss!  So we were hopeful that the party will go well.  We knew there would be familiar faces there for him, and when we looked on line there was a slide we thought he would like (although we didn’t realize that he would have to climb through a huge maze to get to it!).  Plus, it was a two year olds birthday party, so we figured things would probably be age appropriate for Mikey who is so delayed.

When we got to the party we were pleasantly surprised, Mikey broke free from my hands to climb up a inclined mat, up to a cushioned platform that was under a little roof almost like a tent.  Mikey loves those mat’s (the ones that look like gymnastics mat’s), so I thought, ok, they have matt’s so we should be good!  We said hello to a few people and Mikey was laying on the matt smiling.  Mikey’s Nonni was there on the other side of the party, so I picked him up and took him around to see her and say hello.  That’s when things changed quickly.

As I carried Mikey through the party with all the kids running around and the music blasting, I can feel Mikey start to get nervous and his body tensing up.  His smile quickly faded.  When we got to Nonni, he gave her a kiss as I asked him to, and when I put him down on the floor he took off running towards the nearest bench and started to cry.  He didn’t know where to go or what to do, I can see the desperation and confusion in his eyes as he ran back and forth flapping his arms.   I immediately ran after him and asked someone to get my husband who was chatting with his friends.  I sat down on a bench with him and made sure he had his blankey and his binkie.  I took his iPad out to play a movie for him.  My husband came and we took out juice, cookies, a ball we brought for him, anything we can find to try and calm him.  I sat next to him on the bench and held him.  He began to calm down a little bit, but I can see him looking around at all the people taking it all in.  Of course all of our family and friends were concerned asking if he was okay.  I tried to make excuses for his behavior, maybe he is tired, maybe it’s his stomach, but the truth is I didn’t know, I couldn’t ask him, he couldn’t tell me if the place was too loud, or if it’s too crowded for him, or maybe he just didn’t like the lighting, he has Autism, that is all I know. 

He didn’t stay calm long, he wanted to get down, from the bench but didn’t know where to go and started to cry again.  My husband and I took him outside of the room to a little hallway with it’s own cushiony bench and Mikey quickly calmed down.  He climbed up on the bench laid down with his blankey and his binkie and started to smile.   He found his spot, a quite place with a comfortable seat with no one around except Mommy and Daddy and now he was content. 

I could see the disappointment in my husband’s eyes, although he smiles at Mikey and calls him a little stinker and tells him how cute he is, I know that he wished more than anything that Mikey would have done well today, so did I.  I know my husband wanted to show off his son to all his friends, and show them how well he was doing.  He wanted to watch his son have fun with the other kids going down the slide and climbing through the maze, but instead, we were in the hallway watching our son have fun laying on a bench.    

The food was served and we decide to take Mikey back in again.  I saw the worry and concern in my mother in laws eyes when we got back in, I knew the concern is probably more for my husband and I then it is for Mikey.   My husband served himself and me a plate and I sat Mikey down next to me with his movie again, I was able to scarf down a quick plate before he became upset again and we were back in the hallway.

Since most of my husband’s friends and family were there I told him to go in and I would wait outside, a little while later my husband was back in the hallway telling me to hurry up and bring Mikey in that he was going to take him down the slide while all the kids were still sitting down eating!  While he was inside  my husband (his is by no means small!), had done a trial run climbing through the maze to get to the slide, to see if he could fit and take Mikey up! So we snuck back in and went to the maze, my husband helped Mikey all the way up the maze and to the slide. Mikey did great, my husband was so happy!  He was determined to bring Mikey down the slide at least once!  They got to the top sat next to each other, each on a slide and held hands coming down!  Mikey did great!  He got a little nervous towards the end because the slide was much faster than he was use to, but he didn’t cry and he made it down!  I picked him up and we quickly ran back to the hallway before the kids came back!  My husband was thrilled and so was I!  I was so proud of both Mikey and my husband for making the best of the situation and finding the joy in a stolen moment and a slide!

We came home that night exhausted and happy to be home.  Mikey was back in his safe place,  happy and content.  While I was lying in bed with Mikey that night, he fell fast asleep, and I took to my blackberry as I always do to check my emails (I have a slight blackberry addiction!). I was surprised to see an email from our friend whose son’s party was that day.  I opened it up and she had thanked me for the gifts, and then she wrote something that made me feel so much better.  She said “I know it’s not easy for you and really appreciate you taking the trip.  You’re a great women! Mikey is so wonderful. I love him.”   This email so simple and kind made such a difference to what happened that day.  I knew that our friends “got it.”

 As a parent of a child with Autism, I sometimes worry that when we do get invited to these parties and if we don’t go that our friends might not understand why, or what it is we are going through, or think that we are being anti social or over protective.  After reading her email, I knew that she understood what it meant for us to go, and understanding is something that every family affected with Autism appreciates.

Now to all of my friends who may read this and say maybe we shouldn’t invite them to our next children’s party, please do not feel that way!!  Please keep on inviting us!  We may not be able to make every party, because bottom line is, at times it may be too much for Mikey.   All we ask is for patience and understanding, and know we ALWAYS want to come, and just because this time he may not be ready, we know someday soon he will be!  So please don’t give up on us! 

A Happy Moment at the Party of my baby and me!