I am going to start this post by saying, I never liked working out, never liked sweating and never stuck with an exercise regime for more than a month (and that was before my wedding so not sure if it counts!)
A few months ago I was complaining to my husband (yet again,) that I feel like I am always tired and have no energy and feel out of shape. My husband said for probably the 1000th time that I should really start doing some exercise that it would be good for my mind and my body (I have never listened to him because he loves working out, blah!). This time since I was so desperate to feel better I figured I would give it a try and since I love to dance, I decided to give the new Zumba craze a try.
I started with one class at a small place since I didn’t want to invest in a gym membership with my history of one week and done. The place was very small and in the class was only my Mom, me and two other people. I thought it would be easy, hey I am Puerto Rican and I can dance! lol. Boy was I wrong! I never felt so awkward and out of beat in my life. There were a few times during the class when I had to hold back my laughter when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I felt silly but I didn’t care, it was fun and for that hour I didn’t think of anything except trying to keep up with the instructor. I enjoyed the music and the sweat, I felt like I was in a club in the middle of the day. I decided that this is something I would be willing to give a real try. I joined a gym close to my sons school that offered Zumba classes daily. I went to my second class and I was hooked.
Rewind to April of 2009 after my son was first diagnosed and I was sitting in the waiting room of a DAN’s office. I was in my sweats, no makeup, anxious and nervous. A mother walks in with her son who was about 5 or 6 years old. She is all done up, heels on and well put together. She had definitely been there many times and knew all of the receptionist. She begins chatting away with the receptionists and her son keeps asking her for a snack which she keeps denying him since there is no eating in the office. You can see the son wants to get her attention and it becomes clear to me that he too is on the autism spectrum; however she continues to talk to the receptionist. The receptionist compliments her on her hair color and she tells them how she loves to change it up and is always getting a different color or cut. She is telling them about being out at a bar the other night and how much fun she had and how she fell in her new heels while she was there. As I listened and watched her go on so matter of factly I was completely taken back. I thought to myself, "is this mother crazy?" How does she care about her hair or her shoes or going out, her son is sick! I could barely bring myself to do my hair and here she is talking about going out having fun and her shoes! At this point I could not imagine going anywhere without my son and how would I be able to have any sort of fun knowing the fight my poor boy has ahead of him. The Dr. came out and called me into the office and by then I was already on the verge of tears and was so thankful to get out of that waiting room and away from that mother.
The reason I share this story with you, is because at that moment, I never thought I would be here in this one. I never thought I would want to or be able to do something for myself again, something to make me feel good, because to me at the time I thought that mother was so selfish to be thinking of her own fun. After many tears and much time has passed I come to realize that coloring her hair and buying her shoes was her Zumba, her thing she did for herself, her thing that made her feel good. Today I feel guilty having ever judged this mother as now I know we all need to have something for ourselves, an outlet to forget about the stress and worry of everyday.
Although I happily revolve my life around my family and helping my son get better, when I am in my Zumba class I have an hour to myself, an hour of not thinking, an hour of not worrying, an hour of letting things go. There has been many a class that while listening to the music and doing the steps I have an overwhelming feeling to cry. On occasion I almost have, but I fight off the tears and keep on the steps and in the end I feel so much better. I don’t know exactly why this happens to me, and I am no psychologist, but maybe it has something to do with being there not thinking and just feeling, my emotions from the day or week come out. The best part is I work through it, I jump higher dance faster and in the end I feel better and that need to cry is gone and replaced with calmness. I leave feeling lighter, happier and I know this only makes me a better wife, and a better mother.
So my message to all of my Autism Mommies out there, find something to do that is just for you and don’t feel guilty about it! Making time for yourself, even if it’s only a half hour a week, in the end it will only make you a better Mommy. To the Mothers of the newly diagnosed, I know right now you can’t imagine making time for yourself, or having the energy or the drive to do anything, but trust me you will get there and things will get better.
I would like to give a special THANK YOU, to the Zumba instructors that have helped me find an outlet for myself, Claire from Synergy in Syosset, and Sue and Michelle formerly of Sportime in Syossett. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You have no idea what going to your class has done for me, it has provided me with an outlet to recharge and to be a better Mommy.
