Eight year ago today I gave birth to the love of my
life. I don’t think there is an adequate
word to describe the love a mother has for her child. It is beyond measure, beyond words. I don’t
think the word LOVE is really enough to cover it.
Mikey, since the day he was born, is my greatest love, joy
and happiness, along with my greatest fears, doubts and guilt, all wrapped in
this beautiful perfect little soul.
His birthday is always a bittersweet day for me. When I think back to the day he was born, the
best day of my life, I remember all of the hopes and dreams I had. It was a perfect time, when nothing was
impossible, and my dreams for my son were limitless.
When Autism came into our life, everything changed, however
the one thing that remained the same is my love for my child, that love has
only become stronger, with more purpose.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for
blessing me with Mikey. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t look at
him with utter amazement, that this little person encompasses all of my
love. He makes me smile and laugh every
day, and reminds me to not take the little things for granted, and to celebrate
every accomplishment, even the small ones.
There are days though that I can’t help but wonder what
Mikey would be like if he didn’t have autism.
His personality and love shine through his Autism, but I can’t help but
wonder what he would have to say, what he would like to do, what his dreams and
hopes would be for his future if Autism hadn’t come and run havoc on his life.
If you know Mikey, if you have the pleasure to really,
really, get to know him, you know that it is impossible to be sad around
him. Mikey is nothing but smiles and
love. He knows no sadness, he knows no
prejudice, and he loves unconditionally because he knows no other way. Mikey is not corrupted by society, he does not
pass judgments, he enjoys every moment he is in. He has taught me the TRUE meaning of
unconditional love.
BUT as a mom of a child with special needs, there is this undeniable
guilt that lingers. For me this is
ALWAYS a place I avoid going, but on his Birthday I am always brought there. I never want to go there because I never want
to feel any negative emotions around Mikey, I never want him to feel he is
unwanted, and I never want anyone else to think I would wish he was a different
child. But there is always that guilt…
could I have done something to avoid this?
There is so much controversy going on right now about
vaccines, and this post is definitely not one that I want to address that with,
(so please do not comment about vaccines in this post). But I can’t help think about the flu vaccine
I had when I was pregnant because the doctor told me I may lose my unborn child
if I got the flu (even though I never had the flu or vaccine before). I was on medication for pre-term contractions,
(that I did not feel), without getting a second opinion. As a result I had sonograms every week for at
least 2 months, all of this at the advice of my doctor, thinking I was doing
what was best for my unborn child. I
think about everything I ate, everything I put on my body. I have
always hated conflict, but for my son I would fight an army, there is added guilt because I didn’t ask the
questions of my doctors that I wanted to ask, I didn’t want to go, “against the grain.”
Today as Mikey turns a year older, I am reminded of all the
unknowns, and questions for the future.
I am reminded how there is no real “plan,” of where he will be, or who
will be with him. Mikey is an only child
so that’s it, when his father and I are gone, there is no one else left in his
immediate family, and that breaks my heart.
When Mikey was first diagnosed after the initial shock set
in, I was so hopeful, I was so positive about the future, and I didn’t put
limits on what he could accomplish. As
the years passed, my expectations slowly became less, I set into reality and I
gave into the expectations that society put on him, and for that I apologize to
you my son. I apologize to you Mikey for
any moment I gave up, for any moment I expected less than the best from you. You have always shown me that you are
capable of more than I could ever imagine.
These last 8 years of my life have been a whirlwind. I have had a failed marriage, I have
questioned my decisions as a wife, a mother and as a woman, but what has been
unwavering is the bond Mikey and I share.
He is without a doubt my greatest love and my greatest teacher.
I have been far away from the Butterfly Mission because I
have been busy trying to find my place, and be a mother, but the reason I
started the Butterfly Mission was to honor my son, and that purpose still
stands. So today I re- affirm my
commitment to The Butterfly Mission. Today
I commit to continue to honor my son and make a difference in his name and I
thank all who have stood by my side along the way.
Happy Birthday to my sweet Mikey I love you and I am so
proud to be your Mommy.
If you would like to contribute and volunteer your time to
the Butterfly Mission please contact me at thebutterflymiss@gmail.com.
(photo by Bettye Rainwater Photography)
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